My nail art work

I'm very proud of these nails & love doing them.

Been a while since I last wrote

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote on here, I've been so busy with college & seeing my boyfriend that I hardly have time, but since he's back at work again I have more time to myself.. Not that I want it :( anyways..

So much has happened.
My family actually don't even want to know me, not that I care but seriously they're bullies.. Can't stand them.

& then yesterday, my child's 'sperm donor' Said he knew 'everything about my life' I was like wtf I haven't even spoken to you properly for like 1 & a half years.. It turns out one of my boyfriends 'friends' at work had been telling my ex loads of bullshit. I dont know why a random person I've never heard of in my life would want to speak about me like they did.. What a cubt. My ex chose to have nothing to do with me or his 'daughter' & that's the way it's staying. The horrible words he said are unforgivable, he doesn't deserve my daughter. I'm just so so glad she has her daddy robin. My boyfriend is so perfect with her, she absolutely adores him. My ex is just a fuckin loser who can't stand the fact Gracie calls my boyfriend daddy. But he is, he's much more of a man and father than he ever could be.

I'm so proud of my boyfriend. He's actually amazing. :)

Moving on.. I passed 4 exams this week which I'm very proud of. I passed my manicure, pedicure & M&P anatomy and physiology. Go me!

I'm loving college tbh & Gracie loves going to her childminders :)

Life is actually looking good.

I have my babyg & my robin, they're all I really need to be honest. My world. ❤

Waiting

So I'm sat waiting for a train to college, I can't breathe. I can't speak & all I'm doing is coughing a sneezing.. gonna be such a fun day :(

Today

My princess & I are still very poorly.. Cannot wait for this illness to leave us alone. We both went to the doctors & have antibiotics to take for a week, hopefully by Thursday we are both better & I can go to college & Gracie can go play at the childminders :)

Bought Gracie some Christmas presents today, she has a new doll coming, it has long brown hair, it's gorge! Also got her another book.

So I've already got her;
Doll
2 peppa books
2 in the night garden books
1 Christmas book

I'm going to also buy;
A dolls cot
Doll clothes
Some baths toys
Peppa pig cushion & duvet set
Farm playset
Maybe a new dolls pram
& I don't have a clue what else! Maybe a few more dollies.

I was going to get her a letter from Santa but would rather wait till next year, she may understand a lot more :)

So anyway.. Geordie shore is on in 35 mins & I'm flipping excited!! Haha

Miss Gracie-Leigh Park

I was only 17 when I got pregnant, I thought I was 'in love' I thought I was ready to have a family with this person..So we decided we were going to try for a baby. 1 week went by, negative, 2 weeks went by, negative, 3 weeks went by, negative. I was starting to wonder if I'd actually get pregnant, every negative I saw I wanted to cry but the next week I had signs that I was..It was Friday the 13th I thought, no way, bad luck, but I did a test every Friday so I wasn't going to miss this one. I went to the toilet, I waited those long waited 3 minutes, I looked..there it was.. 2 lines. I started to shake..I'm not sure if it was joy or worry..I'd actually got a baby inside me..I went over to my boyfriend to show him..all I heard was 'You're going to get fat' That's when I asked myself, what have I done? How am I going to tell my parents? I was so happy yet so worried. I took a further 5 tests..postive, positive, all positive. I rang my doctors and booked my first appointment.

The day came to go to my first appointment, by this point, I'd moved out of my boyfriends, he didn't understand pregnancy, he didn't want to buy the baby anything, he had his mates over all night, he was chatting up every girl he could, I'd had enough so I was living at home, my parents still didn't know. I went to the doctors, they gave me all this information, they gave me my due date, 17th April 2011. That's when it kicked in..I had to tell my parents. I walked home..I opened the door & there was my now ex boyfriend talking to my mother, I screamed at him to leave..I thought he'd told her..but he hadn't, good. I sat down at the table, started to chat to my mum, she then asked 'you're not pregnant are you?' I looked at my friend..how did she know? That's when she knew for certain..her 17 year old daughter was pregnant, with no job, no boyfriend, nothing. We both cried. I told her I couldn't face my dad & she said she would tell him.

I left and went over to my friends house, I was so scared. My phone started to ring..It was Dad. I was shaking. He screamed down the phone at me 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU STUPID GIRL! YOU'RE NOT LIVING IN MY HOME, DON'T YOU DARE COME BACK TO MY HOUSE! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS BABY!' I didn't know what to say..I just said sorry..he ended the call.

The next day, mum came to fetch me from my friends house..we went home, I waited for dad to come home from work, he got in..he saw me..I saw the disappointment in his eyes, he didn't want to even look at me, he tried talking me into abortion..I told him I would never kill my baby, I was keeping it.

He didn't speak to me for months..my grandparents didn't want me in their lives or the baby..my dad didn't..I was on my own, just me and my precious bean. Eventually, my dad warmed up to it, he started to help me and accept the fact he was going to be a grandad.


It was my scan date, I was so excited! I asked the babies father if he would come, we'd been broken up 2 months already..I said I'd wait outside and meet him..it got to the time of my scan..he didn't turn up..I went in myself..I laid there scared that they wouldn't find anything..but there my baby was on the screen, so tiny. I was so happy! I left the hospital..I then got a text 'Where are you? I went to the wrong place, sorry.' He was lying..I didn't care, all I care about now is my baby.

My second scan date arrived, I didn't want him there. This was my baby now, he never once asked how I or the baby was..he didn't deserve this baby..he was more bothered about girls his xbox & going out. Anyway, I arrived at the hospital..this time my dad came, this made me so happy..he secretly was happy. I waited, anxious, desperate for a wee..They called my name & I went in..I laid down and was so excited yet scared..there was my baby, much bigger this time, waving its arms and legs, moving their head..I asked 'Can you tell the sex?' she looked..I was having a BABY GIRL! I was ecstatic, I always wanted a girl. She was healthy, I was so so happy.

I decided to try work things out with him..after all this baby needed a family, I tried so hard to make it work but he told me 'I never wanted it, I only said yes to make you happy' 'Now we're back together I suppose you expect me to pay for things for the baby' What?! Then he said 'I only want this, me and you..no baby' I left..a few weeks later it was valentines day, I'd been at college all day, I asked if he would meet me so I could give him his gift, I had no reply..I waited at the train station..an hour had passed and it had started to get dark..I thought to myself 'I'm pregnant..what am I doing?!' I eventually got a text 'I was asleep, I'll get next train' I didn't wait..I went home, I cried..I told him this was it..It was over for good.

I stayed strong through my whole pregnancy, I had a healthy gorgeous girl growing inside me, I was so excited, I'd bought her clothes, her moses basket, her bottles..everything, I couldn't wait.

I was around 35 weeks when I went into slow labour, aching, in pain, I was so fed up. On the 5th April 2011 I was 38 weeks pregnant, I woke up, got out of bed.. I felt some drips..was this it?! I rang my mum and then the hospital who told me to go straight away..mum rushed me to hospital, I was in so much pain..I got there and they told me I wasn't in labour..just take some paracetamol! Are you kidding me?! I couldn't argue..I went home and suffered in pain all day and night..it got to around 8:30 pm and I couldn't take the pain anymore, I sat their crying to take me back..My dad rushed me to hospital..

The midwife checked me out, I was 3cm dilated and ready to pop! I had some gas & air..I laughed at everything..I told the midwife I was becoming a lesbian, apologized for my swearing..although I never actually swore I was off my head. It got too painful though, I'd been sick from the gas and air..it was time for some pethidine. The best drug I've ever had. I fell asleep every 2 minutes, then I'd wake up, sing lady gaga or toploader and go back to sleep..until I needed to push..

At 05:06am on the 6th April 2011 my pain was forgotten, My baby girl arrived weighing 6lb 15oz. She was in my arms, I was so shocked, I asked 'Is she mine?!' I was in love. In love with such a perfect, beautiful baby. She was mine..all mine to care & love for. That moment, my life changed forever. There was no looking back, just towards my future with my girl.

Everyone came to visit my precious girl, that's when they forgave me & fell in love too, how couldn't they, she was perfect.

I'd go through it all again for her, my beautiful girl.

MyRobo;

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. The moment when we first spoke to each other, I knew there was something special between us. We've had our ups & downs, what couple doesn't? All I know is, I love him with all my heart. We have been through so much already it's unbelievable, every time we have a down moment, we always come back 10x stronger. I honestly believe that he is the one for me, the one I'm going to live with, marry & have more children with. He is my prince, he treats me like his princess. He's there when I need to talk, there when I need to rant, there when I need a cuddle & there when I need a cry. He's not just my boyfriend he's also my best friend. I'm so grateful to have him in my life, I'm so lucky to be able to say that he's all mine. Even though my daughter may not be his by blood, he's the best father to her. He plays with her, he helps her, he teaches her & most of all loves her. Such a gorgeous boyfriend & amazing daddy. I love you Robin Nieuwoudt, always. xo

Hard;

I don't know how to feel or how to cope anymore. I don't know what I ever deserved to have so much hurt from the people who are supposed to care for me. I feel invisible, I feel like 'just a mum.' Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I don't have feelings too. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter so much, more than anything, but I'd like people to notice me for once. Instead I get told I'm a horrible mother, I don't look after her, I don't care about her, she's better off without me. If that's so then why does she always want her mummy? Why is she currently laid on me asleep, cuddled up to me not wanting to let go. I do absolutely everything for her and I always will. I'm trying to make our future a better one by studying at college, I'm trying so hard but it's never good enough for anyone. I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm a waste of space. To be quite honest, I'm getting so sick of it all I don't even want to be alive. I get told she doesn't need me..I get told I'm an immature selfish cow, I get told I never put her first..'You chose to be a mother' I chose to be a mother in a family, I never chose for her so called father to leave me at 17, alone, pregnant..Being a lone parent is one of the hardest tasks in life, people don't understand this unless they've been through it..I hate how my own family drive me to depression. Why can't I just be loved?